The Legend of Fairytales
by DimensionSlip
Summary: A collection of spoofed fairytales starring Legend of Mana characters. Includes stories about Larc, Miss Yuka, Cap'n Tusk, just to name a few! Rated K for mild swearing.
1. The Honest Woodcutter

Yeah! My first LoM fanfic! Well, I'm actually spoofing a bunch of fairytales by incorporating some LoM characters and places. I will also include a bunch of short stories regarding some LoM characters and events.

Note as of 10/14/11: I would like to reiterate a warning I posted in my profile. The formatting of the following chapters is God-awful (I think this website must've done some updates regarding the way the stories were parsed since I last dropped by). Content-wise, it's pretty okay (not up to my current standards, though), but the formatting may drive you nuts. I am too lazy to reformat the whole thing. -Kaylee

Anyway, I hope you enjoy these stories as much as I enjoyed making them!

Lady Blackpearl / El Gato - (10/14/11) Kaylee: Old screen names. o_o Oh joy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Mana, Square does. Fairytales spoofed belong to their respective owners.

P.S. Please Read and Review!

* * *

_Background: A mini-story starring Larc. Based on a fairytale. Takes place after "The Crimson Dragon"_

Starring:

Larc _as the woodcutter_

Tote _as the water faerie_

* * *

It was a beautiful morning in the White Forest. There was a nice, small cottage in the forest, where two beast warriors lived. Larc, woke up to the sound of chirping birds and to the smell of frying eggs.

Actually, those were the smell of burnt eggs.

"SIERRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Sierra gave Larc a flustered look and said, "Look, I'm sorry—I didn't mean to—"

Larc cut her off and said, "We've been through this many times already. How many times do I have to tell you not to leave the eggs while you're frying them? You know what this house is made of, right?" He sighed.

Sierra groaned and said, "Look, I'm trying to manage my time wisely. While waiting for the eggs—"

"Does managing your time wisely include wasting eggs by burning them? It's a total waste of time, money, and fire wood." Larc pointed out, "Besides, what's so important every morning that you have to abandon the stove?"

Sierra got slightly abashed at his remark. "W-well…um…I-I…" she stammered, at a loss for words.

"Spit it out."

"W-well…"

And the whole story came pouring out.

"WHAT THE F?"

Larc exclaimed at Sierra's story. "Vadise can't do that! Over my dead body!" He started swearing. His use of four letter words was truly creative.

Sierra blushed in embarrassment. She just told Larc that the Woodings went on strike in protest of their fallen comrades (no pun intended), which forced Vadise to ban all kinds of logging in the White Forest.

Ever since Larc got out of the Underworld, he got a job as a woodcutter. He cut wood during Aura and Dryad Day and spent the rest of his days selling wood, building houses or making furniture.

He received a permit from Vadise, which allowed him to cut a certain number of trees in a week. He has been continuing this kind of life for about 3 years. His income wasn't that much, it was only enough for him to buy food for him and Sierra.

So when he heard about the total log ban, he was really, REALLY peeved at Vadise.

"Stupid dragon. I should have eradicated her when I was working for Drakonis," he muttered as her sat on the dining table, looking at his empty plate.

Sierra, who was frying eggs (again), shot him a glare. She was the dragoon of Vadise and didn't want to hear her liege's name besmirched by her brother. Using the pan, she tossed a fried egg to Larc's plate. Unfortunately, it landed on Larc's head, which was already boiling (his head, not the egg).

Larc, trying to keep his anger in check, peeled off the sticky egg from his fur/skin/hair, which he casually dropped to the floor. Ignoring the bits of yolk that was still stuck on his head, he said in his most calm voice, "I guess I have to go to Lake Kilma instead."

He reached for his trusty ol' axe, which was leaning near the doorway and rusted with age. He also reached for his bag of tools. He grabbed them and said, "Bye, Sierra!"

"But Larc," she protested, "your—" she picked up the egg on the floor (or what remained of it) "—breakfast!"

* * *

After 3 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds…

Larc reached Lake Kilma. There weren't many trees in the area. Most of the trees were withered and old, and they crumbled when he started chopping them off.

He walked around for a while until he reached the lake. He heard a grumble. Oops, that's me, he thought. He realized that he was hungry. I should've eaten that egg instead of tossing it on the floor, he thought with regret.

But when he saw the trees surrounding the lake area, he forgot all about his hunger and started sharpening his axe. The trees looked "healthy" and were just calling to be chopped off.

I don't care if I get into the faeries' bad side. These trees are just calling to be cut down. He started hacking on the tree nearest to him.

* * *

_Look, that beast over there is cutting our trees! A faerie hidden from sight whispered to her fellow faerie._

_I don't like him, said the other faerie._

_Want to play a prank on him?_

_Sure!_

* * *

Larc wiped the sweat off his forehead. Just 10 more and I'll make my quota for the day.

He heaved a sigh and raised his axe and hacked on the next tree. He was about to finish it off when he suddenly fell off balance and went tumbling down the lake.

He was able to grab on to a rock, which prevented him from falling into the lake. Unfortunately, same cannot be said for his axe. It plunged into the water, and sank faster than you could say, "My axe!", which was the line Larc happened to say before he started crying like a sissy.

* * *

_Ha, ha. We sure made him pay! Said the faerie._

_Yeah! I can't stop laughing at him! Said the other in between laughs._

_Oh no! Here comes Tote! We'd better get away before he sees us!_

* * *

Larc was sobbing so hard that he didn't notice a turtle come up to him.

"Sir, what is troubling you?"

-sob sob-

"Sir?"

-sob sob-

"SIR! WHAT'S WRONG!"

"…"

"I'M ASKING YOU, WHAT. IS. THE. FUSS. ALL. A. BOUT!"

Larc finally stopped crying. "m-my a-axe f-fell o-on t-the WATER?" He started crying again.

The turtle said, "My name is Tote, and I'm a turtle. I'll do you a favor and look for your axe."

Larc looked up at him. "Really?"

"Really."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really?"

"Ah, just shut up." Tote dived on the water. Larc stared at the water.

* * *

After 3 minutes and 59 seconds…

Tote surfaced and asked, "Is this your axe?"

He presented Larc with an Ishe Platinum axe, which reflected the sun's light. Larc shook his head. He learned the hard way that being honest is better than being a liar.

"Oh." Said Tote. He tossed the axe on the ground and dived once again.

* * *

After another 3 minutes and 59 seconds…

Tote surfaced and asked, "Is this your axe?"

He presented Larc with an AltenaAlloy axe, which nearly blinded Larc with its brightness. Again, Larc shook his head.

"Oh." Said Tote. He tossed the axe (again) on the ground and dived once again.

* * *

After 3 minutes and 59, nah, 60 seconds (hey! That's 4 minutes!)…

Tote surface and asked, "Is this you axe?"

He presented Larc with a rusty ol' axe, which barely reflected the sun's light. Larc started jumping up and down and said, "YESSS! THAT'S MINE! !"

Tote handed him the axe and said, "For your honesty, I give you these two other axes." He handed him the IsheAxe and the AlteAxe. Larc thanked him, and the turtle walked away and disappeared without a word.

But Larc's happiness was short-lived, for he didn't know how to go back to the White Forest while carrying the heavy logs and axes.

"TOOOOOOOOOOOOTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Come BAAAAAAAAACKKKK!"

And Larc chased after the Wisdom, the axes and trees forgotten.


	2. The Little ! Walrus

Hello once again! Here's another story…

Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Mana, Cap'n Tusk, Niccolo, or the Pirate Penguins. Only the sulky penguin.

* * *

The Little (!) Walrus

_Background: Have you ever wondered how Cap 'n Tusk (a walrus) got hold of a fleet of penguins? Here is the spoof of "The Little Tailor" by Brothers Grimm._

Starring:

Cap'n Tusk_ as the tailor_

The surly penguin _as the giant_

The other Pirate Penguins _as the audience/townsmen_

* * *

One sunny morning in Polpota, a blue walrus with a red bandana was sitting on his chair near the window, counting the money he earned ferrying passengers. As he was calculating, a peasant rabbit (guess who) came down the street, crying, "Clothes for sale! Good clothes for sale! Only 1000 lucre! Clothes for sale!"

The walrus (who just finished counting his money) stuck out his head on the window and said in a gruff voice, "C'mere, boy. Lemme see what you got there. Door's open."

The rabbit eagerly ran inside and laid out all the clothes he had. The walrus looked at them disgustedly and said, "This's all you've got, rabbit?" He gave him the evil eye (a thing he specialized in).

The rabbit cringed at the glare. But instead of running away, he forced a smile and said, "W-well, I have one more thing to show you"

He brought out a brown leather jacket. "This is made of 100 pure leather and the collar's made of 100 Rabite fur. I'd hate to part with this, but it's all yours for ten thousand lucre."

The walrus thought for a while, then said, "4000 lucre."

The rabbit looked slightly surprised. I never knew walruses haggled. He said, "7000 lucre"

"4000 lucre"

"5000 lucre"

"4000 lucre. No more than that." Was the firm reply of the walrus.

The rabbit sighed in resignation and said, "Fine." He handed the jacket and the walrus gave him 4000 lucre.

The rabbit replied, "Thanks!" and ran off" He never mentioned that he saw the jacket drifting in the Polpota beach and picked it up.

The walrus smiled with satisfaction at his new jacket. It's a nice one, he thought. Just as he was about to wear it, he saw a bunch of flies getting in his house.

"Who invited you!" exclaimed the walrus, trying to swat them. He dropped his jacket and chased them around the room. The flies took no notice of his flailing flippers and continued to buzz around the room.

By this time, the walrus had enough. He grabbed the thing nearest to him and cried out, "Why, you frickin' flies! I'll get YOUUUUUUUU!"

He struck out—and this time, seven dead flies dropped to the floor.

"Goddess!" he exclaimed, "I am a strong walrus! Not only I chased 'em 'round, I killed 'em! The whole city—no! All of Fa'Diel must know about this!"

He got a patch saying "SEVEN IN ONE BLOW" and sewed it on his 'new' jacket.

Before he left, he searched the entire house to find something he could take with him, but all he could find was some old cheese, which he put in his pocket.

By the front door he noticed a bird that was entangled in a bus. He rescued it and put it in his pocket. Then, he walked all the way to the bay, where he saw a bunch of penguins.

One of the penguins ran up to him and said, "Captain! Captain! Where have you been! We're so worried about you!"

The walrus gave him a bemused look and said, "Very funny. Hahaha" Then, he realized that he could take over the penguins and escape boring ol' Polpota!"

Then, a snippy looking penguin marched up to them and boomed, "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' CAPTAIN! I AM YOUR CAPTAIN!"

The penguin looked at both of them, confused. "But there is only one captain!"

The two replied, at the same time, "I AM YOUR CAPTAIN!" which led the penguin to cover his ears. "AND HE HAS MY JACKET!" supplied the surly penguin.

The penguin removed his flippers from his ears, then said, "There is only one way to know who's the real captain…A CONTEST!"

* * *

ROUND ONE

Polpota Bay, on a makeshift stage…

The penguin from awhile ago held up the jacket and said, "LISTEN UP! WE, THE PIRATE PENGUINS, ISSUE A CHALLENGE TO THESE TWO LIVELY COMPETITORS! THE WINNER OF THE CHALLENGES SHALL BE THE CAPTAIN OF THE SS BUCCANEER AND THE PROUD OWNER OF THIS JACKET!"

"THE SERIES OF UPCOMING CHALLENGES, WILL BE DARES ISSUED BY PENGUIN ONE, (gestures to snippy penguin) TO PENGUIN TWO (the walrus). IF PENGUIN TWO IS ABLE TO DO THE CHALLENGES, HE SHALL BE THE CAPTAIN! IF HE FAILS, THEN PENGUIN ONE WILL BE THE CAPTAIN!"

"ALL SET! PENGUINS, ON YOUR MARK, READY, GET SET, CHALLENGE!"

cheers erupt from SS Buccaneer

The unpleasant penguin smirked at the walrus and said, "I bet you can't do this!" He grabbed a stone and squeezed it so hard that water ran out of it.

"Is that all?" scoffed the walrus. "Child's game from where I came from"

He fumbled in his pocket and took out the old piece of cheese and squeezed until the whey spurted out.

The penguin's jaw dropped (think anime). "W-What? He can frikin' do that!"

And so, Round One went to Penguin Two.

* * *

ROUND TWO

Penguin One took another stone and threw it in the air, so high that it nearly went out of sight, and said, "Hey, can you do that?"

"Not bad," remarked the walrus. "But the stone fell back to the ground again. I will throw one so hard that it will never fall to earth."

He took the bird (not the one he rescued). "W-WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU—"

Before he could reply, the walrus carried him and threw him swiftly into the air. And the penguin disappeared in the sky with a twinkle.

The penguins who were watching this feat cheered.

"HOORAY FOR THE CAPTAIN!"

The penguin commentator rushed up to him and said, "Welcome back, Cap'n Tusk!"

The walrus wasn't sure how to react to their outburst. So he shouted, "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? DILLYDALLYIN? WELL, YOU HAVE ANOTHER THINK COMIN' IF YE DON'T GO BACK TO THE SHIP!"

The penguins cheered. "Our captain's one real pirate!"


	3. All's Well, Ends Well

Status:

_Mood: Sleepy and Tired_

_Listening to: Crash Bandicoot 2 Cortex theme_

Hi again! Here's another one! Thanks to False Fortune for being the first to review my stories!

P.S. For those who don't know who Mr. Moti is, he's the turban guy behind the counter in Domina (the one who manages the save point)

* * *

-All's Well, Ends Well-

How did Miss Yuka get hold of Pee-wee? Here's my own version, which is a parody of Hans Christian Andersen's tale, "All's Well That Ends Well"

Starring:

Miss Yuka _as the poor farmer_

Mr. Moti _as the wife of poor farmer_

Pee-wee _as the stunted applesocks_

Niccolo _as the merchant_

* * *

Somewhere in Domina…

"MISS YUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

A man wearing a gray turban and clothes was screaming at the top of his voice. A harried-looking canary ran up to him and said, "WhatsdamatterMrMoti?"

The man shot her a confused look and asked, "Would you care to repeat that?"

Miss Yuka sighed and slowly replied, "Whats. The. Matter. Moti."

"Huh? That doesn't make sense," Moti remarked. He was about to ask again when he shouted, "WHY THAT YELLOW FRIKIN' BIRD! I'LL GET YOU!"

Miss Yuka glared and shrieked, "WHY YOU FUCKING BASTARD! NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH CALLING ME A FREAK!" She started scratching at him with her talons (does she have talons?) and used bird kung fu on him.

"!"

Mr. Moti screamed behind the counter. "NO, MISS YUKA! NOT YOU! I WAS REFERING TO THE CHOCOBO YOU BOUGHT DURING UNDINE DAY!"

Miss Yuka stopped pecking at him and said, "Oh…" She stared at the room near the counter. In there was a chocobo, which was jumping around and messing up the room. It scratched at the walls, tore at the sheets, and shed feathers everywhere (or was that the pillows?).

Mr. Moti (who was applying salve to himself) continued, "It was nothing but trouble ever since you got it. And it's messing up the inn. As a result, we have 5 mattresses that need new springs (A/N: In other words, it needs to be replaced), 6 de-featherized pillows, 10 torn bed sheets, and missing chunks of wallpaper. I other words, we have to replace 5 mattreses, 6 pil—"

Miss Yuka cut him off and said, "I know, I know." She sighed and said, "I shouldn't have kept it here. I'm leaving it outs—"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Mr. Moti exclaimed. "It will dig up the garden, tear off the fence, and—"

"Okay, Okay, FINE!" Yuka sighed in resignation. "I'll depart for the marketplace, go to the monster trading area and find a suitable replacement for Boko. OKAY?"

She somehow caught the naughty bird and left the inn, leaving a satisfied and happy Mr. Moti behind.

On the way to the Marketplace in Domina…

Miss Yuka heaved a sigh. The chocobo was very stubborn; it would not let her ride on it. It was not cooperative either; it would not budge, so she had to drag it the whole way.

On the way to the market, she saw a man, which was followed by a Land Dragon. The dragon happily tagged along with his master. She thought that the dragon will be a behaved pet and a good guard against thieves. So, she approached him and asked, "Would you like to trade that dragon for my chocobo?"

The man, thinking that he'll be able to ride the chocobo, was delighted at the offer. And so, they traded animals.

Miss Yuka could've gone home at this point, but she was eager to check out the marketplace.

However, same cannot be said for the man, for his chocobo would not budge an inch.

Upon reaching the marketplace…

Miss Yuka finally reached the market, with the dragon tagging along. She saw a variety of animals, including a skeleton, zombie, and a succubus.

It was when she saw a certain beast by the name of Chimera that she stopped.

Miss Yuka stared at the Chimera Beast. It would be a good guard against those thieves. And it looks like an exotic animal, and it's even more intimidating than the dragon she had. Wow! The depth of the growl, the piercing eyes…it was menacing enough for Miss Yuka's taste. "Let's trade my Land Dragon for that Chimera!"

The owner, too happy to oblige, traded the beast for the dragon.

Miss Yuka was happy. But she still wanted to look around for better animals. So she weaved her way into the middle of the market.

A little further…

Miss Yuka was getting bored. This time, she saw some Rabites, Stinger Bugs and bunch of other boring monsters.

But when she saw a Lullabud, she jumped for joy. She was thinking of the seeds she can get from the plant. She also knew that Lullabuds were hard to catch and are very rare.

She approached the woman with the Lullabud and said, "Would you care to swap?" gesturing to the Chimera.

The woman was glad over the trade and immediately exchanged pets.

On the way home (finally!)…

Miss Yuka spotted an elf with violet hair trudging towards the marketplace. He was dragging a sack with him.

She asked, "Young man, what are you carrying there?"

The elf replied, "A bag of stunted Applesocks. My mistress ordered me to throw 'em away."

"What did you say? Stunted Applesocks to the Junkyard! But that's wasteful!" she exclaimed. "There lots of things you could do with them!"

"Yes ma'am. But I was also instructed to sell an—"

"Would you like to trade?" Miss Yuka pointed at the sack and at the Lullabud.

The elf cleared his throat. "Yes, ma'am. But there's—"

But Miss Yuka left him already.

"—an egg in that sock."

Miss Yuka was entered the inn. She saw that Mr. Moti's desk was empty. There was a Post-it stuck on the desk. It said, 'Went to the market. Trying to find new bedsheets, pillows, etc.'

Miss Yuka stationed herself behind the desk when a rabbit-eared merchant went in the door.

The rabbit dropped his belongings on the floor. He went up to Miss Yuka and asked, "Could I have a room please?"

"That would be 500 lucre," she said. The merchant handed over the money. She consulted the list of rooms available, only to find out that the only space available was the room that the chocobo ruined.

She sighed, handed back the money and said, "Sorry sir, but there are no more rooms available. Our spare room was destroyed by a monster, so…"

Niccolo said, "May I know why this happened?"

The bird told him the whole story, from the mischievous chocobo to the stunted applesocks.

Niccolo remarked, "Wouldn't your companion be upset about those trades, trading a chocobo for a bunch of stunted apples? I mean, the fall in value might—"

The canary shook her head and said, "No, he wouldn't be angry. He will probably say, 'Boy, am I glad you got rid of that freaking bird!' "

"Want to place a bet?" asked the merchant. "I'm willing to bet any amount of money."

"Oh, just 5000 lucre, for the repairs." Replied Miss Yuka. "I have nothing else to bet that much, so I guess I'll bet the stunted applesocks. Deal?"

"Deal."

I think if Mr. Moti didn't arrive at that moment, the two of them would've spit on their hands/wings and high-fived.

"So, what happened, Miss Yuka?" he asked.

"Along the way, I traded the chocobo for a Land Dragon" she replied.

"Wow, that's great! Now we have a guard for those pesky thieves!" he exclaimed.

"But I don't have it anymore. I traded it for a Chimera beast."

"That's even better! It looks more intimidating than a dragon!"

"Well, I don't have it anymore. I traded it for a Lullabud."

"That's very nice! Now, we can have our own orchard from the seeds of that plant!"

"But, I traded it for a bag of stunted applesocks!"

Mr. Moti blinked. "Is that so? It doesn't matter: I like applesocks. Besides, I'm glad you got rid of that freaking bird!"

Niccolo sighed. "I guess I lost the bet. Here's 5000 lucre." He left the inn, feeling embarrassed.

As Mr. Moti was about to ask what's going on, he heard a shuffle coming from the back of the desk. "W-what was that?" he asked.

Miss Yuka, noticing the shuffle, went behind the desk, only to find an Aerial egg coming out of the bag.

"Aww… Isn't that cute?" she said. She scooped the egg into her arms and said, "I'm gonna name it Peewee!"

Mr. Moti, clueless as ever, never bothered asking Miss Yuka about the egg, the merchant, and the lucre.

At least, they don't have to worry about the repairs.

* * *

12/02/11: The end, for now.


End file.
